I’m in the mood to just write. Talk, speak, anything.
Yesterday, I started to finally properly read Anne Frank’s diary and was blown away by how well she wrote- eloquently yet honestly. Though she had friends and a loving family, Anne also felt lonely. She makes it clear to Kitty, her diary, that she wants to write as if talking to the one person she can be herself with- a true friend- and does so well with it. She spills her heart on every page yet I could feel her heart beating with every word. Each line feels like Anne is grabbing me by the wrists or the neck of my sweater while yelling “You need this just as much as I did, so let it out already!”
Though I have a lot I want to say and share, ultimately I hold myself back. I have high standards for myself but with that, I overthink and become overwhelmed with pressure. This happens because I am trying to be more conscious of how I speak and what I say- I don’t want to say something that may come off as unclear or be misunderstood but that results in my self-censorship.
Overthink, overplan, over-silence. I’m frustrated at me- why do I do this?
I even do this with my husband and he ends up worrying a lot about me because I’m so quiet.
In this moment, I have this big feeling in my chest that just wants to E X P L O D E with conversation- I want to talk about art, feelings, the world, the universe, what makes me laugh, and what makes me cry- yet I’m just laying in bed, next to my husband, typing this in silence all the while feeling disappointed in myself. My sweet husband really does try his best to make conversation with me about even the silliest of things, but I remain quiet out of stupid habit.
I see people online that speak and write, and regardless if it’s raw or pre-planned, they have such a way with words. They get their message across and I admire them for it. Jay tells me I can do this too, and I know I can but my brain is in perpetual solitary confinement.
I wish I could speak and write beautiful words with deep meaning, but I lack those natural gifts that are blessed unto others. I must begrudgingly either practice until perfect or just spill the words out and hope my meaning comes out well. Whatever it is, I just need to let it out.
I matter. I am more than allowed to say something. Even if they are not beautiful to anyone, my thoughts and words matter and I need to find the beauty in them.
So here’s my note to me: forget aesthetics, forget trying. Letting it out is enough. You are beautiful, you matter, you are more than enough, and I am damn proud of you for making it this far. Just please speak and break the cycle.