“Las niñas bonitas se portan bien.”
Growing up Latina, I heard this phrase at least once a day if my behavior was deemed “naughty” in any way- speaking out, speaking at all, not sitting patiently, etc. I was conditioned to believe that people would think highly of me if I sat quietly still and looked pretty, and it became something I even craved to do just to hear any praise. After all, as a human being, I wanted the affection I wasn’t receiving. When I did speak out, I would be told I was raised wrong, I was incapable of doing simple tasks, and that I was mentally incapacitated.
For years, I believed if I was a quiet person, people would see my intelligence and see that I was a good person.
“Not fragile like a flower, Fragile like a bomb.”
Something about my 33rd birthday ignited a spark in me, and lately, that spark has been growing into a fire. As much as I pride myself on being a soft person, I’ve also had enough of being too gentle. I am no longer accepting others mistreat me and think it’s okay. I am defending myself and being loud about it; I continue to develop a hunger to let this hurricane in me do what it needs to do.
In past situations, I was afraid of speaking out for myself- Would it make me unlikeable? Will it make others talk bad about me? How many people will this inconvenience? Is my existence an overall nuisance to others? What did I do to cause this? Will there be less trouble if I’m more quiet and keep more to myself? What do I do to cause these things?
While it’s a given that the older we get, the more we experience, we don’t grow from good experiences. It would be wonderful to live in only good moments with great people, but there would be no growth. I’m tired of the storms, but lately, I’m starting to welcome them. Growing up, I didn’t really have someone to protect me from the bad, and now I’d like to be that protection for whoever else it would benefit.
I’ve completely put aside my personal life since last year because that is a perpetual project that I can always come back to. My focus is on what is going on outside of my home and I’m taking big steps to deal with it properly.
“Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak…” -Sun Tzu
I’ve been getting help and trying to open up slowly, and it’s been a new world to share the load with others. For the first time, my anxiety took a break and it’s a very new feeling. Although I recently shared some things online, the unexpected and overwhelming support I received in return felt like a huge hug and reassurance that I’m not alone.
Above all, to finally protect and defend all of my younger selves- to finally do right by her.
It feels really good to not feel alone, and it feels d a m n good to be loud.