A year ago (ok, a year and a day ago to be exact), I was on a flight from Korea to New York. As I sat in my seat, fidgeting with my anxiety squeeze toy, I pulled out my phone to record a voice memo of the moment- my thoughts, how I felt at the time, reflecting on my entire time in Korea, my growth, and what I was thankful for. Though I was heartbroken to leave my husband behind, not knowing when would be the next time we would see each other again, I also felt optimistic and hopeful for the future and what could come of it.
Originally I planned to sit down to listen to it exactly a year later, with the hope of reflecting and writing about 2022, what I learned, and my resolutions for 2023 all while enjoying my husband’s company. While I wasn’t able to yesterday, I don’t feel any remorse about doing this today. Our plan was to do a quick stop by at my second eldest brother’s home to drop off my eldest brother’s Christmas gift (another story for another time), go back to my parents’ home, kick back in loungewear with a few cocktails, and quietly bring in the new year alone. In asking (read: insisting) us to join their game of Uno, my nieces and their parents made the end of 2022 a much happier one than we anticipated. My nieces gave us the best gift of the year- a sense of being genuinely welcomed in one of my sibling’s homes, and feeling like we actually belong somewhere.
The version of me in that airplane a year ago is someone I’m so proud of and someone I know I can go back to again when in the right place again. In her words,
“I came to Korea a single twenty-six-year-old… not a woman, and not a girl.
I guess when I first came to Korea, I was looking for… for something. A reason.
I was looking for happiness. That’s it, just happiness.
The only way I knew at that time was through adventure; going somewhere new and starting fresh.
I’m really glad I did. I’m glad I went through all those bad things because they helped shape the person I am now and who I’m becoming.
I’m really thankful for all the crappy people I met, the crappy bosses, and the horrible situations I was put in.
I’m really thankful they drove me to a deep depression. I’m very thankful for the nervous breakdown and developing social anxiety while here… somehow all of these bad things brought me to a dark place and I realized I was being planted.
I can’t say that I’ve bloomed… it’s just a few leaves, a few stems have come out.“
With that said, I think I’m going to make the following resolutions for myself this year:
Be gentle and patient with myself. Read more books again. Be self-accepting. Be more self-accepting than that. Laugh more. Laugh at yourself. Paint and draw again. Edit and upload your vlogs. Regularly update this blog and your Instagram. Learn how to make reels and post them. Speak out more, use your voice. Put yourself first. Drink more water. Maintain structure but never forget to leave room for magic. Always make room for love and magic. Don’t forget people do like you. Don’t forget, you matter.
Above all, aim to be the person I needed when I was younger. I owe that to little Ana and current Ana the most.
I invite you to make 2023 the year where you also are gentle and loving to yourself too. Cheers!